Some Marriages Aren’t Made to Last and Here’s Why: Thoughts From A Couples Therapist
Recently, my wife and I visited Cancun and went on a tour of the cenotes there with a van full of strangers. During our lunch break, we were all sitting at picnic tables eventually making conversation with each other. A couple sitting across from us asked what it is that I do for work. When I told them I am a couples therapist, the woman nudged her fiance and said “He could have used you with his ex-wife”. I responded with not all marriages are made to last, and we were able to have a conversation around this. I wanted to share with you some insights about what a controversial topic this might be especially here in Utah.
Let’s be candid when we chat about this. Divorce is still a swear word to people. Especially in a deeply religious area of the world where marriage means promises between each other and God. It feels like to some people ending a marriage means breaking those promises and letting God down. I’m not in the position to be giving anyone religious advice but I am able to share with you that this mindset makes for a life of misery. Healthy and happy marriages really matter, and a sense of obligation in a marriage doesn’t equate to happiness. I love working with couples that are ready to dig their heels in and work to get the type of marriage they want. There is nothing I enjoy more than helping marriages become the best they can be. When a couple comes to marriage therapy with a lot of ambivalence about the relationship, and are only together because they are afraid of what other people think, everyone, ends up spinning their wheels.
I do respect couples who want to remain together. I worry about guilt as a motivator for staying together. If you’re going to remain together and have a dysfunctional relationship, it’s not worth it. I assure you that your children and other people in your life are going to know you are unhappy. I want to share more with you about why some marriages aren’t made to last, and I hope you will be able to look inward about yourself.
Reasons why some marriages aren’t made to last:
You’re just not as compatible as you thought you were
It’s true that some personalities may not work the best together. It can take a lot of work to be together when you have conflicting personalities. When you were dating maybe there were things you overlooked or minimized because you just wanted the relationship to work so badly. A few years later you might find that those things you overlooked in each other end up being barriers in the relationship that are hard to get past. You also might make yourselves incompatible when you start finding fault in each other, blame and don’t have the conflict resolution to work through this. These things can be worked through with therapy when both partners are willing to do the work, but when they’re not it can leave you as a couple feeling stuck.
You can change and develop across your lifetime
Life experiences can change how you think and feel. Change is always happening and is something guaranteed that you will experience together as a couple and as individuals. Problems start to arise in a relationship when your values and experiences prevent you from working as a couple. You might start to lose the connection you once had with your partner as a result of the changes. Another aspect that may cause couples to change is experiencing trauma. Traumatic events change how you view the world and how you experience life. Trauma also can change the way the brain functions and this truly does impact a relationship. Relationships also naturally change over time, and if you aren’t constantly addressing this and working through it, your marriage can suffer. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires effort, and when we don’t put that effort in through those changes, a relationship can suffer.
The marriage began with a lack of maturity
It’s no secret that there are many LDS people that live in Utah and often are married younger than non-LDS people. It’s part of LDS culture to marry young and right away. In our early twenties and younger, brain development puberty is often not complete. This can impact a marriage in a negative way. It certainly doesn’t mean you can’t have a good marriage when you marry young but it does require taking time to learn communication skills and how to manage emotions. All of us lack experience and emotional maturity at this age. When people get married at a young age and begin having children right away they might be lacking in the skills to continue having a strong relationship. Having children decreases marital satisfaction and creates stress in a relationship.
Underlying mental health concerns
Our mental health struggles impact our relationship. I have written posts about how depression can impact a relationship and how trauma can impact a relationship. You can read those to learn more specifically about those two topics. Marriages can really struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, etc. It’s not the mental health issues alone that cause relationships to fail but the behaviors used such as isolation, irritability, and disconnection. It’s most of all when the mental health issue isn’t being managed or coped with effectively that leads to a marriage deteriorating.
Hope is not lost in your relationship
Please understand that getting married young, having children right away, and struggling with your mental health means you can’t have a good marriage. Anyone that is committed to their relationship and wants to do whatever is necessary to have a healthy relationship can have it. Addressing these topics is about decreasing the shame behind divorce and uncoupling in a relationship. People hold on for a long time in marriages when both partners would be happier outside of the relationship because they believe divorce is not an option. Our attitudes and beliefs about marriage and divorce can lead to marital dissatisfaction especially. Sometimes acknowledging the truth about a relationship and being willing to let go can be the best thing for the couple.
Marriage counseling can help marriages last
If you are ready to work on your relationship and you are both ready and committed to focusing on doing the work to get the kind of relationship you want, couples counseling can help. Whether you’ve been together a year or ten years, it’s not too late to get the type of relationship you want if you are ready to do whatever it takes to get it. Those most successful in marriage therapy or couples counseling are the couples willing to have hard conversations, heal the past hurts in their marriage, and look inward at themselves rather than blaming their partner for where the relationship is. If you feel like that’s you, I would love to be able to help you develop the skills necessary to have a healthy and happy relationship.
Looking for marriage counseling and located in the state of Utah?
You can have hope for your marriage and work to make it stand the test of time. Marriage counseling can help. This Utah Couty Counseling Clinic has a couples therapist in Utah who specializes in marriage counseling. To begin counseling, follow these steps:
Sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation
Complete online forms and schedule a first session with a couples therapist
Begin marriage counseling
Online Therapy in Utah
There are probably many reasons you can put off therapy, and access to a therapist might be one of them. I want to make it easier for you by providing online therapy in Utah. This is secure and convenient and saves you travel time.
Online therapy also means we can work together in therapy if you are located in Logan, Salt Lake City, St. George, Heber City, or Cedar City.
Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only service I provide at this Northern Utah Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include LDS marriage counseling, therapy for men, premarital counseling, anxiety therapy, PTSD treatment, and EMDR therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is an associate marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah County and an online therapist in Southern Utah. Marcus has a bachelor’s degree from Utah Valley University in behavioral sciences and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves working with couples dedicated to their marriage and willing to look at themselves and what they contribute. He believes regardless of the problem in a marriage, both partners need to focus on changing and bettering themselves. When Marcus isn’t doing therapy, he enjoys hanging out at Pioneer Book on Center Street in Provo.