4 Reasons Why You Are Affected By Your Partner's Mood: Thoughts From a Couples Therapist
Have you heard that saying, “if mama ain’t happy then nobody’s happy”? This saying implies that a person’s mood dictates and influences everyone else. If you are in a committed relationship, you might notice being affected by your partner's mood and might not be sure why. When your partner feels depressed or down that you feel frustrated and anxious. If your partner is angry, you might feel scared or that it’s up to you to problem solve. This can cause problems because it puts a lot of power on your partner and their emotions. It can be difficult to manage your own emotions when your partner is feeling off.
When you are in a close relationship, it’s natural to want to be supportive and present when your partner is going through difficult emotions. It’s a sign of a healthy relationship to respond in a warm, and responsive to our spouse or partner when they demonstrate strong emotions. If your partner is angry and depressed, it makes sense that you would want to try and help them feel better. However, when you start to feel responsible for their emotions or they can’t manage their emotions with you, it can be problematic. You might find yourself feeling angrier, depressed by all of the emotions both you and your partner are feeling. It really isn’t your job to make them feel better but for that person to learn how to deal with their emotion.
Some people are more sensitive to feeling their partner’s emotions and being negatively impacted by them. There are some reasons for this. Let’s talk about why.
1. You weren’t allowed to express your emotions as a child
If you grew up in an environment where your parents didn’t teach you how to regulate your emotions or taught you to not show your emotions, you probably don’t know how to feel your feelings or share those with others. You now may be an adult who doesn’t understand your own emotions, and it makes it even more complicated to try and understand a partner’s emotions. You might respond as your parents did and try and dismiss their feelings or even be angry at their emotional reaction. Also because you don’t know how to manage your own feelings you might find yourself depressed when they are depressed or angry when they are angry. This can make it hard not to be so impacted by your partner’s emotions.
2. You are an emphatic and sensitive person.
There are many people out there that feel things strongly. They feel all their emotions strongly and are sensitive to the moods of those around them. These people can walk into a room and feel the emotions of everyone there. It can be hard to deal with feeling everything so strongly. Feeling so deeply can be hard in an intimate relationship when your partner is experience angry, sadness or anxiety. You might have learned to have to close yourself off to your partner's emotions in order to protect yourself. You also might not be able to differentiate your own emotions from your partners because you are so empathetic.
3. You believe that in order to have a healthy relationship you should always be happy
In working with LDS couples, I have learned that many people believe that if you are married in the temple it automatically means you will always have a happy marriage. Believe it or not, we aren’t made to be happy all the time. It’s not healthy or normal to only feel happiness. There isn’t anything wrong with you if you aren’t feeling happy. We are meant to feel all emotions including sadness and anger. It’s part of being a human and experiencing life. You might hold this false belief that if your partner isn’t happy that your relationship or marriage is flawed or something is wrong. You also may not have seen the good parts of your parent's marriage so you might not have a realistic view of a relationship.
4. You don’t believe negative emotions should be shown
As stated before, perhaps you didn’t learn how to deal with your emotions as a child or you were punished for feeling strong emotions. You may now believe that emotions shouldn’t be expressed or shown but should be controlled. It might make you uncomfortable or frustrated if your partner is showing emotions if you believe this way. This can be a generational experience for some people when they’ve grown up in homes where emotions are uncomfortable. If you hold this belief about emotions, it will likely negatively impact your relationship.
The amazing thing about all of this is you can learn how to feel your emotions in a healthy manner and how to not be negatively impacted by how your partner is feeling. Just because you learned to protect yourself or be defensive around emotions doesn’t mean you have to always use this way of reacting for the rest of your life. The safest place to learn to express your emotions is with your partner. That’s how you can learn to be present and safe with your partner's emotions without internalizing your partner's emotions. It’s not going to be an easy and simple process but you can learn how to do it. It can be scary to feel your emotions especially when you’ve locked them away for so long. It will get easier with practice. It’s ok to not how you’re feeling or how to process your emotions. What's more important is the journey of learning how to feel emotions without judgment. Once you learn your own emotions you can experience more positive emotions than negative emotions once you learn how to help and support each other in healthy and helpful ways.
Working with a couples therapist can help
It can be overwhelming to think about trying to unpack all of your emotions alone. You might realize it's important to change the way you respond but you don’t know how. One reason marriage counseling can be helpful is that you are not only meeting with a professional but you are there together as a couple learning together. In couples therapy sessions, you can learn more about how each other responds to emotions and begins to learn how to support and stabilize each other healthily. You can learn how to help your partner when they are sad, depressed, or anxious while being able to function well yourself. This can all lead to having a better relationship and marriage.
Begin working with a couples therapist near Provo, Utah
You don’t have to be impacted negatively by your partner’s mood. You can learn to be more confident in your relationship and tolerate the distress that sometimes arises in a marriage. Marriage counseling can help. This Northern Utah Counseling Center has a couples therapist specializing in couples and marriage counseling. To begin therapy, follow the steps below.
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation
Meet with a Utah marriage therapist
Begin marriage counseling
Online therapy in Utah
I know it’s not easy to get to a therapy appointment and if you are like me hate driving in Utah County traffic. I also know how important building and rebuilding a relationship is. This is why I offer Online therapy in Utah. This allows you to connect to a marriage therapist using a convenient and secure platform.
Online therapy in Utah also means no matter where you are in Utah, and I can help you. I work with couples in Logan, Salt Lake City, St. George, Cedar City, and Heber city.
Other mental health services provided at Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage Counseling isn’t the only counseling service provided at this Utah County Counseling Center. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include premarital counseling, EMDR therapy, LDS marriage counseling, PTSD treatment, therapy for men, and anxiety therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is an associate marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy near Provo, Utah. Marcus earned his bachelor’s degree from Utah Valley University in behavioral sciences with an emphasis in family studies. He also holds a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves helping couples work on their attachment to one another and heal the hurts that have occurred in their relationships. Marcus understands that we don’t always learn the skills from parents on how to communicate effectively and enjoys teaching couples these skills. When Marcus isn’t doing therapy, he enjoys exploring Provo Center Street.