10 Topics To Cover in Premarital Counseling
Some people don’t think going to relationship therapy if your relationship isn’t “broken” isn’t necessary. It’s an unfortunate myth that you don’t go to relationship counseling unless you are on the brink of divorce so counseling before your marriage even starts seems outlandish to some. Just like there are things you do as preventive actions for your health, like taking vitamins, exercising, and yearly physicals, premarital counseling can help prevent your relationship from becoming unhealthy. When you are dating, you might not even think to talk about some important topics for marriage or you justify putting it off later. Avoiding and procrastinating topics because it’s easier or more comfortable can be problematic later when these issues arise.
If I could bestow any advice on a couple thinking about getting married, it would be to attend premarital counseling sessions before they are married. I truly believe we would see fewer rates of divorce or attending marriage counseling later because talking about issues and topics before they become prevalent can change the course of a relationship. The reality is that most people aren’t naturally expert communicators and even if you believe you are an expert communicator it helps to learn how your partner likes to be communicated with. If you are invested in having the best relationship and marriage you could possibly have, premarital counseling is the way to go.
What to talk about in premarital counseling?
There are many reasons for going to premarital counseling and a lot of topics you could cover. There is an endless list of topics that could be discussed in a therapy session with your partner and a couples therapist. Here are some ideas to consider bringing up in premarital counseling to help your relationship start off right.
Money and Finances
Everyone has a different relationship with money and views of how it should be used. Your childhood and how your parents managed money will have an impact on how you believe money and finances should be handled, and your significant other might have a totally different experience. Discussing thoughts on saving and investing in your relationship along with beliefs about bank accounts and managing money are important topics to discuss prior to marriage. Creating systems for managing money and compromising on how finances are handled can prevent difficulties from arising later. Money is more of an emotional topic than you might initially realize. When you are single you might be used to doing what you want with your money and not have to be accountable to another person. This can be an uncomfortable adjustment and can lead to some hot conflict when you are not on the same page as your partner.
2. Parenting and raising children
How does your partner feel about having children and how many do they want? I promise you this conversation does get easier when you are married if you are not on the same page now. It’s ok to change your expectations about children with time as long as you and your partner are open and agree on this. If you and your significant other don’t agree on topics of parenting and children it can lead to resentment and drive a wedge into a relationship. Having children puts stress on the relationship, which isn’t a bad thing. Raising children together can lead to increased connection and unity but it’s not without its challenges. If you and your partner aren’t unified on parenting and discipline practices this will not only affect your marriage but it will impact your children. As humans, we can rethink decisions with experience and information so being open with your partner about this can be helpful.
3. The 5 love languages
I am sure you have heard of the 5 love languages before as it’s become a pretty popular topic. If you haven’t, I am excited for you to learn more about them. The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical affection, and receiving gifts. Understanding your dominant love languages along with your partner’s love languages is important in your relationship. Your love language can change with time and experience so it’s helpful to continue to check in on this. Premarital counseling offers opportunities to process more in-depth what your significant others might need from you to feel loved and cared about. Even if you know your partner's love languages that don’t mean they don’t need shown loved in other ways too from their dominant love language.
4. Sexual intimacy
Just like money, your beliefs about sex are derived from your experiences and the way you were raised. Many of the couples I work with have grown up in conservative and religious households, and their parents didn’t talk to them about sex. There might be shame about sex and some misunderstandings about it. This is an essential topic to talk about with your partner before marriage. What you believe about sex before marriage or waiting for marriage is important to be open and honest about. Addressing expectations for the frequency of sexual intimacy beforehand can help before you get married. I understand how uncomfortable this topic is to bring up, and it’s considered taboo to even discuss but I believe this avoidance of this lead to serious problems.
5. Goals and expectations for marriage
What do you hope your marriage looks like? What feels healthy for you and your partner when it comes to spending time with each other? Being prepared to understand how working on yourself and setting goals as an individual can help you prepare and improve your marriage from the start. Recognizing that there will be an adjustment period to marriage and having expectations for how this will be handled. Recognizing marriage doesn’t just fix things but requires working with your spouse to find solutions and compromise to the issues you experience. A good marriage requires effort and continually addressing uncomfortable topics. The number one thing to not expect from premarital counseling is to think it’s about changing your partner. You might hope that attending premarital counseling will change your partner, and maybe it will but you have to go into this experience recognizing you'll be focusing on yourself.
6. Religion and Spirituality
Religion has such a huge impact on Utah. Statistics state that 62 percent of Utah report belonging to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and even if you don’t belong to the LDS church you still influence its impact of it. I have also worked with couples in mixed faith marriages that had wished they had addressed expectations around religion and spirituality before marriage. Even if you and your significant other shares similar spiritual beliefs that may translate to different hopes and expectations around faith in a marriage. Conflict sometimes arises around deciding about temple marriage, church attendance, and raising children in church versus not. It’s easy to assume that sharing religious beliefs means that your partner has similar interests and involvement but this is often not the case.
7. LIfestyles choices
Do you agree with your partner’s attitudes about exercising, drinking, hobbies, career goals, etc? If this is something you are hoping will change once you get married, sadly you will be disappointed. Making sure you are in sync and in agreement with what your partner chooses to do with their health and wellness and extracurricular activities before marriage matters. Once you are married it will be even harder to talk about and live with if you don’t agree with what they choose to do now. If something your partner is doing now kinda bugs you it will continue to bug you later. This can lead to resentment in a marriage if you don’t address it and come to an agreement from the beginning.
8. Conflict and communication
Every marriage will have some level of conflict throughout. This is normal, and it’s not a red flag to disagree. We are individuals outside of our relationships, and it’s unreasonable to believe we will agree about everything. What matters is learning to communicate with your spouse in respectful and effective ways. Naturally, we don’t know how to do this if it hasn’t been taught or modeled to us. Unfortunately a lot of communication this is modeled is unhealthy and ineffective. Working with a couples therapist to learn how to resolve conflict and communicate with your partner will make a huge difference and sets the tone for your marriage.
9. Personal goals
Each partner in a relationship will have their own goals and needs. There will be some differences in goals, ideals, and hopes from each. When we are working at goals we need the support of our significant others and other loved ones. What type of support does your partner need and expect from you in helping them achieve their goals? Is that support you feel you are able to give? Being able to maintain your personal identity in your marriage can be focused on in premarital counseling.
10. Friends and family
Managing your relationships with your in-laws and other family members can be a source of friction in couples. Deciding on expectations and boundaries in navigating these relationships can be a tricky process. It’s even more problematic to not address it at all. Many people, dare I say most people, haven’t been taught how to put healthy boundaries in place. Not only do we hold expectations about relationships but so do our family and friends. Learning how to prioritize your relationship with your spouse and balancing time spent with family and friends is a skill to be learned. Learning to communicate your expectations around holidays and traditions as a couple to the extended family will help your relationship with your partner.
Marcus Hunt Therapy’s approach to premarital counseling
As a couples therapist, I understand how much your relationship matters. My goal is to help you create the type of relationship that lasts. I’m also here to help you be able to decide if marriage is right for you. Marriage therapists sometimes are seen as being only pro-marriage but what is more important than you getting married are making sure that you know how to create a healthy partnership with your significant other. I believe in helping couples create and develop communication habits and to understand how to meet each other’s needs. I want to help you understand your individual attachment style and what it means for your relationship. Having a healthy and happy relationship is completely achievable with some effort and guidance from a relationship expert.
Begin Premarital Counseling in Utah
You can work through your relationship struggles and start your marriage off right. This Northern Utah Counseling Practice has a marriage therapist specializing in premarital counseling. To begin therapy follow the steps below:
Meet with a premarital counselor
Start working on your relationship
What’s stopping you from working with a premarital counselor?
I know that your life is busy, and it’s not always convenient to take the time out of your life to attend therapy. I also know the value of therapy and how it can change the direction of your relationship. I offer online therapy in Utah so I can at least save you travel time and create greater accessibility for you to receive premarital counseling.
Online counseling allows me to work with you wherever you are located in Utah, and it’s just as effective as in-person therapy. I work with clients in Heber City, Salt Lake City, Logan, Cedar City, St. George, and more.
Other mental health services offered by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Premarital Counseling isn’t the only counseling service provided at this Utah County Counseling Center. Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy include therapy for men, PTSD treatment, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, EMDR therapy, marriage counseling, and LDS marriage counseling.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is an associate marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy near Provo, Utah. He has a bachelors in behavioral science from Utah Valley University. Marcus also has a master's in marriage and family therapy. He enjoys working with couples who are in committed relationships and want to have the best relationship possible. Marcus believes that premarital counseling really can change the course of your marriage. Marcus utilizes emotionally focused therapy and solution-focused brief therapy to help couples in therapy. When Marcus is outside of therapy he is on the hunt for the best wings in the state of Utah. The most recent contender is Chubby’s Cafe in Pleasant Grove.