5 Tips to Get the Most Out of Premarital Counseling
If you’ve committed to premarital counseling or are just still considering the idea, I’m stoked for you! Premarital counseling is one of my favorite counseling services because I enjoy helping couples create lasting relationships before significant problems arise. Many couples underestimate the power of preventing problems in a marriage because it’s not an issue. Trust me, I get it when you are starry-eyed for your partner and finally have met your match; you don’t think you'll ever need therapy. Maybe that’s true, but I know every couple planning or considering getting married could greatly benefit from investing in premarital counseling.
What is premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling is for couples considering marriage or are engaged to be married. This counseling service focuses on helping a couple heal from past hurts in the relationship, discussing important topics before marriage, and developing relationship skills necessary to have a healthy and happy marriage.
Topics to cover in premarital counseling can range from sexual intimacy and boundaries with family members to finances and religious beliefs. Nothing is really off the table to bring up in therapy sessions. As a couples therapist, I want to help you focus on the important things to you as a couple. Premarital counseling can be whatever you want it to be, but most couples find it beneficial to have a conversation about difficult topics with the help of a marriage therapist.
Why should I go to Premarital Counseling?
I read recently that couples that go to premarital counseling are 80 percent better off than couples who opt out of premarital counseling. That’s a pretty wild statistic and really presents a good reason for going to premarital counseling. If you truly want to have a good relationship with your future spouse and a healthy marriage is important to you, then going to premarital counseling makes sense. There are many reasons for premarital counseling.
You may have grown up in a household that didn’t know how to communicate, or your parents don’t have the type of relationship you want for your future spouse. You may have been in a past relationship or marriage and have some worries and concerns about starting another relationship. All of these are valid reasons to seek premarital counseling. Any reason is a good enough reason to seek premarital counseling, but especially if you are feeling ambivalent toward marriage because of those reasons. Premarital counseling can help you learn to communicate better and work through your concerns about marriage in general. I think it’s even more important to come to premarital counseling if you had a past marriage that wasn’t successful. Not because there’s something wrong with you but because you deserve to have a space to work through all that is holding you back.
How to get the most out of premarital counseling:
It’s not lost on me that therapy is an investment of time and money. You might wonder how to get the most out of the experience of working with a couples therapist. I want to provide you with some tips to get the most out of the premarital counseling experience.
Be open to feedback
I will start with a big one right away, and that’s being open. If you think therapy is dumb or you don’t think it’s gonna work, then you will probably not be successful. I am not expecting everyone to be diehard for therapy, and it’s expected that you might be hesitant or skeptical. That’s normal for a new experience. However, if you are only going to therapy because your partner drug you there and you have no intention of participating, then you won’t have a good experience. Your partner won’t have a good experience, and not that you care about your couples therapist’s experience but won’t be able to help you. All of this can be detrimental to your relationship. Before even committing to premarital counseling, make sure you want to go, and it matters to you. This applies to all counseling services but especially when working with couples.
Being open means, you are willing to participate and do what it takes to improve your relationship. It means sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. I often see with men that they might be quiet or don’t share as much as would be beneficial. This is likely largely due to living in a world that teaches men not to talk about feelings and deny that they have any emotions. Part of my job is to help you challenge the idea that, as a man, you don’t have anything to share. You have feelings, and you need to talk about them with your partner, and therapy can be a good place to learn how to do this.
Work on things in between premarital counseling sessions
Therapy sessions are only one hour per week. There are 168 hours in a week so if only one of those is in therapy, there are a lot of other times where you could be focusing on helping your relationship. You likely aren’t doing that now because you don’t have the tools yet, which is why you are coming to premarital counseling. However, when you start working in therapy, it involves learning new skills; just like anything new, it takes time to practice them. I have worked with couples who have not even thought about or talked about what we worked on in therapy sessions throughout the week, and progress has become slow. I’m assuming you want to make progress as quickly as possible to have the relationship you desire and to take the steps toward marriage.
If you can practice the communication skills we focus on in therapy several times throughout the week, you'll be in a better position to make and notice changes with your partner. Even if everything is going well in your relationship but you are trying to prepare for marriage, there are topics addressed in therapy that will be helpful for you and your partner to focus on during the week. It’s also helpful for you and your partner to know what you what topics to focus on in premarital counseling. My job as the therapist is to help guide you through it, but I need to know what is important to you and what you want to work on.
Having a willingness to change yourself
This is another important area to address when it comes to couples counseling. If you are going into therapy expecting it to change your partner, you’ll be disappointed. Does your partner need to change some things? Yes, for sure. Do you also need to change some things in your relationship? If you are going to therapy expecting that I will side with you or your partner as the therapist, that is an incorrect assumption. My job is to focus on your relationship and how to help you achieve your goals. I’m not here to judge you or your partner, but I am here to help you recognize what you are contributing to the relationship and what needs to change. I am a pretty nice guy, and I know it’s not easy to come to therapy, but I am also assuming you want to find a way for your relationship to last. I want to give you a professional perspective on your relationship and what might be helpful to focus on in a kind and gentle way.
Part of premarital counseling is also focusing on what you are doing well. Every relationship has something they are doing well, and recognizing the positives in your relationship is also helpful. I want to be able to encourage you to continue doing the things you are doing well to keep having success in your relationship.
Be consistent in coming to therapy sessions
I recommend clients plan on attending premarital counseling every week for three months. Attending weekly will help you make progress on your goals and gain skills. Anything less than every week makes for therapy become sporadic. People start to lose hope of achieving their goals because it seems like they have to go to therapy for so long, but the truth is you haven’t been consistently coming every week. I realize life happens, and sometimes you have to cancel, but this should be the exception rather than it happening very often.
Attending therapy every week will make a big difference in how you shape your relationship and how you feel it. This gives you enough momentum to progress and gain traction in a healthy relationship. I would encourage you to make sure you have the space in your life for premarital counseling because it really should be a priority for you and your partner if you want to be successful.
Be vulnerable
Vulnerability is not just something to focus on in counseling sessions but is a key ingredient in having a healthy marriage or relationship. As humans, we are meant to bond with one another and develop connections. An important way of building connections is vulnerability and exchanging emotions. It’s hard for us to further our relationships with each other when we are guarded and don’t let other people in. It’s normal to be uncomfortable with vulnerability. It’s difficult to take risks, but it has a huge payoff. If you are willing to attend therapy and be vulnerable with your partner and the therapist, you are making strides in having a good relationship with your partner. It will be difficult to develop connection and trust if you are closed off and aren’t willing to talk about how you feel and your experience.
Vulnerability in therapy is important as it opens the door for us to know what your experience is, and your experience matters. It’s important for your partner to know the things that are significant to you and how you feel. I know it’s uncomfortable, and you might take some time to show more and more vulnerability, but it’s a risk that will be worth taking. Vulnerability is about being honest about your experience, your feelings, and your thoughts. You might not be prone to share those with other people typically, but therapy is the place to start practicing it.
Begin premarital counseling in Utah
You can have the type of relationship that you want to have. You can overcome fears and worries about your marriage through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling can help you learn the skills necessary to have a happy marriage. This Utah Counseling Clinic has a marriage therapist who specializes in premarital counseling. To begin therapy, follow the steps below
Meet with a couples therapist in Utah
Begin working on your relationship
Online Therapy in Utah
I know that it’s not always convenient or easy to attend therapy. This can be why many couples put off going and have the opportunity to change their lives and relationships. I offer online therapy in Utah so that you can save travel and commute time. Online therapy is a face-to-face therapy session over a video platform like facetime. It’s just as effective as in-person therapy.
Online counseling allows me to work with people all over the state of Utah. I work with clients in Salt Lake City, St. George, Logan, Cedar City, Heber, and more.
Other mental health services in Utah
Premarital counseling isn’t the only mental health counseling service provided at this Utah Counseling Practice. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include marriage counseling, LDS marriage counseling, PTSD treatment, anxiety counseling, EMDR therapy, therapy for men, and depression therapy.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah. Marcus has a bachelors in behavioral science from Utah Valley University. He also holds a master's in marriage and family therapy. Marcus enjoys working with couples who want to improve their relationship, care about each other, and are willing to put aside who is right to have a better relationship. Marcus has a particular passion for helping couples who are dating or engaged with premarital counseling so they can have the best type of relationship possible.