10 Reasons To Give Premarital Counseling a Try
I want to give a disclaimer about premarital counseling. Even though premarital counseling is beneficial, and I believe is underutilized by couples, I think there are misconceptions about it. Going to premarital counseling doesn’t mean that as a marriage therapist I’m trying to make you get married. The great state of Utah values marriage and is definitely pro-marriage. There's nothing wrong with that but it doesn’t mean that I am going to impose marriage on you. Premarital counseling is to help you decide if you want to get married and to work through the barriers. As a couples therapist, I value helping couples achieve YOUR GOALS and working together to accomplish them.
Furthermore, premarital counseling can be a helpful tool for marriage and can make a huge difference in your relationship. It can make a big difference in your relationship even if you decide not to get married. This therapy service can be altered to whatever you want it to be. If you are invested in marriage and see marriage in your future premarital counseling is the way to go before making that commitment together.
Benefits of Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling is a service that I think you should give a try and there are many benefits and reasons to attend. This isn’t a comprehensive list but these are some of the benefits to consider going to premarital therapy.
Work through past issues in your relationship
Every relationship has issues, struggles, and conflicts. This is a normal and expected part of a relationship. Many couples haven’t seen their parents have conflicts or struggles and worry it’s a sign that the relationship is unhealthy or that they should end it. That’s not necessarily true but it’s how you are able to work through these issues together. You and your significant other each have a history of experiences that will contribute to the way you react in a relationship. Premarital therapy allows you the opportunity to address these issues and make sure you don’t take them into marriage if this is what you decide you want. Working through past or current issues helps you know how to work through conflict in the future.
2. Learn healthy communication skills from the start
The truth is most of us aren’t naturally the greatest communicators. Many people have the tendency to believe they are communicating clearly and effectively but it's possible your partner has no idea what you are thinking and feeling. You may not realize that you expect your partner to just know but none of us get to read minds for better or for worse. Not to bring your parents up again but maybe they didn’t role model healthy communication or teach the skills because they didn’t have them either. It’s not just about learning healthy communication skills but it's also about learning your partner’s individual communication style. Premarital counseling can help you recognize blind spots in how you're communicating and how your significant other might perceive it.
3. Discuss boundaries with family members
In-laws and family relationships are common topics when couples come into marriage counseling. When you are not married you might be used to your family and how they operate but our partner was raised a different way in a different family. You can share similar values and the same religion and still have drastically different family cultures. Once you are married you create your own family regardless of if you have children or not, and this becomes the number one priority. This will also be a change with both of your families and it can be tricky to navigate. You and your partner can benefit from addressing your goals for interacting and spending time with your family members. Setting boundaries with these family relationships will be important in having a healthy marriage for you and your partner. These topics are best addressed and talked about before you end up in a sticky situation with your in-laws.
4. Share goals and values around money
Finances and money are hot topics in marriages as well. A significant amount of conflict centers around this. There is no one rule on how couples should manage their finances. What matters the most is that you find a system that works for both of you. Discussing money and setting your expectations with a professional that can help you navigate that conversation is important. Premarital counseling can help you and your partner recognize how you are going to budget if you are going to combine your bank accounts or have separate ones and decide what your priorities are with money. It will be helpful to understand your partner's relationship with money and how they were raised before going into marriage. Some people are more prone to save, and others are prone to spend, and addressing this at the beginning can set you up for financial success.
5. Set expectations around sexual intimacy
Sex is another area of potential conflict in couples if they don’t address it and set realistic expectations. An important part to consider when it comes to sexual intimacy is many couples who grow up in religion have a more difficult time with sex after they are married. They have been told their whole lives to abstain from sex but as soon as you are married it’s encouraged. It can be hard to flip this switch for some people. I know this is an awkward topic and can be considered taboo but being open about it and discussing hopes, expectations, and fears around sex is important before going into marriage. Another important area to consider is that 1 in 3 women have been victims of sexual assault or sexual harassment, and 1 in 6 for men (this might be an underreported statistic) and this trauma can impact your relationship. Premarital counseling can help you work through this as a couple and avoid potential heartache.
6. Make sure you haven’t overlooked something
As I shared earlier we all have blind spots in ourselves and in our relationships. Blindspots don’t mean something isn’t healthy or that you are going to have a failing relationship. Working with a marriage therapist can help you manage conversations and bring awareness to topics and areas of your relationship that you might not recognize. Awareness of yourself and your partner's needs and experience can be helpful in knowing how to communicate and move forward in the relationship.
7. Make a plan for how you will combine your lives together
Even when you have learned to communicate, and addressed sexual intimacy, finances, boundaries, and in-laws, combining your lives can still be a challenge. You can have a loving and healthy relationship and still go from single life to marriage can be bumpy if you don’t address it before it happens. Addressing simple things such as how much time your partner needs to spend alone or doing hobbies versus how much you are expecting to do things together is a good conversation to have with a couples therapist. It helps to talk about these things before they happen and overcommunicate about them before it leads to hurt feelings and unmet expectations.
8. Examine overall marital expectations
What each person and couple hopes to get out of their marriage is different. There is not a one size fits all for every marriage. The goal is to make sure each partner in the relationship has their needs met. A marriage therapist knows the questions to ask and how to navigate a healthy discussion where each partner feels like they can share openly. You may have seen your parents have a type of marriage that you want or don’t want. Speaking to this and processing it with your partner can help you decide how to manage it in your relationship.
9. Discuss what role religion and culture will play in your relationship
Utah is a highly religious state and religion plays a big role in relationships. Being a part of the predominant LDS religion can mean different things to different people. A couple can benefit from sharing how active they want to be in the religion and church attendance. Discussing whether you plan to get married in the temple or not is important to you and why a therapist can be helpful in setting expectations for the future. Some people believe religion is more of a tradition rather than a spiritual belief and what this looks like for your marriage should be acknowledged beforehand.
10. Begin marriage in the best way possible
Premarital counseling will help you address important aspects of your life that are hard to be aware of and discuss with your partner alone. Many of these topics are emotionally loaded and require the help of a skilled mental health professional to talk about them. If you are able to attend premarital counseling with your partner for three months before getting married and discuss religion, sexual intimacy, family relationships, money, communication skills, and have worked through past issues you are set up to have a healthy marriage. There is no way to prevent conflict but there is a way to avoid some of it by being open and communicating about these important topics from the beginning. If you are able to do this you will be doing better than the majority of relationships. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are when getting married. All of it is important and can be helpful.
Premarital counseling with a marriage therapist is the way to go
I hope you’ll consider premarital counseling if you are thinking about marriage and want to make sure you have a healthy relationship from the start. As a person, I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people and I want to help save you from hurt if possible by addressing things before they become serious issues. I know when you feel the butterflies and you are falling in love you aren’t thinking about the things that could be hard in a relationship. When you get to the point of questioning if you are going to marry the person you have been dating then it's crucial to talk about those things with a marriage and family therapist.
Start premarital counseling in Utah
You can start your marriage out on the right foot and prevent future struggles through premarital counseling. Premarital counseling can make a world of difference in your relationship. This Northern Utah Counseling Practice has a marriage therapist who specializes in premarital counseling and can help. To begin therapy follow the steps below:
Meet with a marriage therapist in Utah
Begin working on your relationship
Working with a marriage therapist through online therapy in Utah
It can be hard to make time to travel to another appointment and to alight your schedule with your partner and a therapist. I know it’s not easy to prioritize therapy but I also know the payoffs of counseling are significant. You won’t regret investing in therapy. I want to make it as convenient as possible for you and this is why I offer online therapy in Utah. It’s secure and just as effective as in-person therapy.
Online counseling allows me to work with you wherever you are in Utah. I work with clients in Logan, Salt Lake City, Heber, St. George, Cedar City, and more.
Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Premarital counseling isn’t the only counseling service provided at this Provo Utah area counseling center. Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy include marriage counseling, LDS marriage counseling, PTSD treatment, depression therapy, therapy for men, anxiety therapy, and trauma therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah County and an online therapist in southern Utah. Marcus has a bachelor's degree in behavioral sciences from Utah Valley University. He also has a master's in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves helping couples develop the type of relationship that they want and that is sustainable long term. He recognizes many of us grew up not learning to have healthy communication skills and knows how to help couples connect. When Marcus isn’t doing therapy, he enjoys riding his scooter around downtown in Springville.