Premarital Counseling: Your Guide to Therapy
Do you know what doesn’t get enough hype? Premarital counseling. Premarital counseling deserves to be recognized far more than it ever is. The reason I say that is because premarital counseling is extremely valuable when it comes to starting a marriage. If I were to give a Ted Talk it would be on how every couple should go to premarital counseling before getting married. When you are dating, it’s easy to overlook issues that might become big later. It’s also easy to not have hard conversations that might make a difference in deciding if you want to marry the person you are thinking about dating or not. More than that it helps you go into a marriage with skills and tools to communicate while having realistic expectations. Trust me navigating in-laws on top of your own marriage is a significant issue worth focusing on and setting boundaries before it even happens.
I’m not one to make hefty promises but I am about to. The promise is that if you are a couple that has been in a long-term relationship or considering getting married, premarital counseling will be a decision that you will be thankful for the rest of your life. It will be better than any wedding gift you could possibly get. Premarital counseling is worth it, and I need you to trust me on this. Let’s talk more about what premarital counseling is and what to expect.
What is premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling is a counseling service for couples who are considering marriage or are held back by furthering their relationship to marriage. Premarital counseling focuses on addressing current issues in the relationship and future situations that will arise in a marriage. Premarital counseling is made for you and your significant other to process with a relationship therapist your goals for your relationship. As a couples therapist, I provide the same tools to pre-married couples as I do to couples who have been married 10-plus years.
Premarital counseling is amazing because it helps couples build their marriage on a solid foundation and to create the type of relationship they want to have. Many couples going into marriage haven’t had role models for the marriages they want. In fact, when they come into therapy they often say things like, “I just don’t want to have the type of marriage my parents had.” I think we can give respect to your parents and understand they are doing the best they can in their marriage but also aim to have something more. The wonderful thing about the year 2022 is that people are willing to be more open and talk about things like this so there's greater access to doing better than your parents did.
If you have had past relationships that have failed for whatever reason, you may be hesitant to go into another one. Starting a marriage especially if you’ve been married before or dated someone before and it led to a lot of heartaches, can be terrifying. Premarital counseling can help you work through those past issues that might be trying to find a way into your present relationship. It can also help to ensure you don’t continue to do things in this relationship that may have contributed to it not working out.
What does it mean if I go to premarital counseling?
Honestly, I can only think of positive reasons for going to premarital counseling. If you are thinking about going to premarital counseling it says a lot of good things about you. It means you care about your relationship and want to make sure it’s healthy. It also means you have the awareness that relationships take effort, and I love when couples are willing to put in the effort to help a relationship thrive. I realize any form of therapy still has some stigma regardless of how long far we have come with mental health but I assure you this is a good thing. One of my favorite things about working with couples in premarital counseling is that they are there because they care about the person sitting beside them. They are really there because they want to, and those are the absolute best attributes to have to go into a marriage.
How will premarital counseling help?
You might wonder what the goal of going to premarital counseling is and how it will help your relationship before deciding to do it. Here are some of the areas that premarital counseling will help.
Communication skills
I don’t know if this is too much of a stretch to say but I think many of us think we are good communicators when actually are communications are quite poor. Hopefully, you don’t take that personally because I don’t know you. The reality is that we think hundreds of thoughts a day, and sometimes don’t realize we don’t always verbalize those well. Most people aren’t taught great communication skills growing up but even if you consider yourself a communication expert you still need to learn how your partner communicates and how they like to be communicated with.
Conflict resolution skills
If you didn’t realize this, I want to be the one to tell you: that all marriages and relationships have conflict in them. Some couples feel distressed because they never saw their parents have conflict in their relationship so they panic when they do. Having conflict in a marriage is totally normal and totally healthy. It’s a good opportunity to work through something together as a couple and you can feel even more connected to one another after.
Discussing important issues
Finances, parenting, traditions, family relationships, and religion are all examples of issues that are critical to be open about and on the same page within a marriage. It’s easy to push these aside as things you will talk about later. That approach is enticing but it’s not the best one. Addressing all of these issues with the help of a professional can be huge for having a positive outcome on your relationship.
Working through past issues
Remember all relationships have issues that come up even when you’re dating. This isn’t inherently a red flag that the relationship should end. It’s normal to have struggles but the important part is to be able to process through them and not let them continue to fester. One partner might feel like they moved past it but it might be something that the other partner has been impacted by. This issue might be something that prevents a relationship from moving forward toward marriage. If your goal is to be married then resolving these and being open about them is a significant part of premarital counseling.
What type of therapy methods are used for premarital counseling?
There are three different therapy methods or models I use when working with couples in premarital counseling. These models all have different aspects that are helpful to them. These models are used at the discretion of the therapist and what appears to be helpful for the relationship.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a well-researched couples therapy approach created by the queen herself: Sue Johnson. EFT is based on the science of attachment in our relationships. This model focuses on emotions and managing our emotions in our relationships. EFT helps focus on repairing past hurts in relationships as well.
Gottman Method
The Gottman Method was developed by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. This method focuses on communication skills, creating intimacy, and empathy in the relationship. The Gottman Method also focuses on recognizing the signs that a relationship is in distress and teaches couples how to avoid them.
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy
Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) focuses on helping couples find solutions to the problems in their relationships. This therapy is short-term and focused on goals and problem-solving issues in relationships. It also has an emphasis on what the couples are doing well in the relationship and how they can use this to solve their current problems.
What are the signs of needing premarital counseling?
You have difficulty communicating
You have past issues in the relationship that haven’t been resolved
Hesitancy or fear about the relationship progressing to marriage
Conflicting views on sexual intimacy
You don’t understand how to have a healthy marriage
You don’t address issues in your relationship
Differing views on money and finances
You have different desires and expectations for the relationship
You are invested in having a healthy relationship
How often do I attend premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling happens once a week for an hour at a time. Attending weekly helps build traction and helps you accomplish the goals that are set in therapy with your therapist. I will die on this hill but before deciding on attending premarital counseling you need to make sure you can commit to attending consistently every single week.
Is premarital counseling worth it?
Hell yeah, it’s worth it. You know you’re asking a couples therapist this right? Seriously though, if you want to have a good relationship with your significant other then it’s completely worth it. You’re not going to regret putting effort into working through issues in the relationship and deciding if you are compatible enough to get married. It also depends on what your goals are from premarital counseling. Premarital counseling is designed to be effective in helping you decide what you want out of the relationship and overcome the barriers that may be getting in the way. The effectiveness of therapy is completely dependent on you and what you are willing to put into it.
Does premarital counseling work?
Premarital counseling utilizes well-researched approaches to help relationships thrive and find resolutions to painful situations that impact the relationship. With any couples counseling, how effective it is dependent on you as a couple. The couples that are willing to attend therapy consistently every single week, have hard conversations and are committed to looking at themselves and what they contribute to the relationship are the ones that are successful. Counseling sessions are only one hour long and the real work happens outside of therapy in the way you are working with your partner. If you want it to be effective and are ready to work for it together, I promise it will work.
Does premarital counseling decrease divorce rates?
Yep. Research suggests that couples who attend premarital counseling before marriage are less likely to divorce than those that don’t. I’m telling you that attending therapy together as a couple before you even begin your marriage will make a huge difference.
Premarital counseling can help your relationship get better.
If your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, premarital counseling can help you get it to the place you want it to be. Even if your marriage isn’t something on the horizon just yet but you are committed to the relationship you are in now, premarital counseling is for you. Going to premarital counseling isn’t a sign that your relationship is already doomed from the start. It’s doing just the opposite and making sure it’s on the right track right from the start.
Begin Premarital Counseling near Provo Utah
You don’t have to be scared about marriage and worried you don’t have the skills to make it last. Premarital counseling can help. This Utah County Counseling Center has a couples therapist who specializes in premarital counseling. To begin premarital counseling follow the steps below:
Book a free 15-minute phone consultation
Meet with marriage and family therapist
Begin premarital counseling
Online Therapy in Utah for Premarital Counseling
I know it’s not easy to get both you and your significant other’s schedule lined up to attend therapy. I also know how valuable therapy is and why going makes a huge difference. I want to make it as convenient for you as possible. This is why I offer online therapy in Utah. Be assured that this is just as effective as in-person therapy. It’s similar to a facetime call but over a secure video platform.
Online therapy in Utah also means wherever you are in Utah, you can receive premarital counseling with me and not have to travel. If you are located in St. George, Logan, Heber, Salt Lake City, Cedar City, and more we can work together.
Other Mental Health Services offered by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Premarital counseling isn’t the only counseling service offered at this Northern Utah Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services offered at Marcus Hunt Therapy include marriage counseling, LDS marriage counseling, anxiety therapy, therapy for men, EMDR therapy, and PTSD treatment in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus is an associate of marriage and family therapy at Marcus Hunt Therapy located in Utah County. Marcus received a bachelor of science degree in behavioral sciences from Utah Valley University in Orem. He also has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. Marcus is passionate about helping couples build the type of relationship that they feel safe and secure in. Marcus understands the importance of being able to learn to communicate effectively to make a marriage thrive. He enjoys working with couples who are thinking about getting married but fear holds them back. When Marcus is not doing therapy, he can be found in the sci-fi section of Barnes and Noble on University Parkway in Orem.