Why is it Hard for Men to be Vulnerable? Thoughts From A Men’s Therapist in Utah
There’s a quote that sums up my thoughts on vulnerability by Brene Brown: “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” As men, it can be a struggle to be vulnerable. It’s incredibly hard to be open about your thoughts and feelings when it’s believed to be a weakness. You might dismiss the importance of vulnerability because it’s uncomfortable or pointless. The truth is vulnerability impacts your mental health and your relationships. Some men are scared of commitment because being vulnerable and having an intimate relationship is unfamiliar. My goal is for you to understand more about vulnerability and what stands in the way of being able to be vulnerable.
What does it mean to be vulnerable?
Vulnerability is the exchange of emotions we share with others. It’s when we are open about our thoughts and feelings. Being vulnerable is about letting down your guard and being real with other people. There are different degrees of vulnerability in different relationships. Sharing thoughts, feelings, and reactions with someone else is showing vulnerability. Being vulnerable can feel embarrassing. You worry that you might be seen in a different way, judged, or criticized or you might worry about hurting someone by being vulnerable. Being vulnerable not only helps develop close relationships with others but also helps decrease shame. Shame is a damaging emotional experience and speaking about the things that bring shame in safe relationships through safe relationships can combat shame.
Reasons why it’s difficult for men to be vulnerable
Each person has different reasons why it’s hard to be vulnerable and why they resist doing it. I wouldn’t want to ignore those or think that I know your experiences. These are some of the common reasons why men struggle with vulnerability.
Societal Expectations for Masculinity
Men are taught to work hard, sacrifice, don’t show emotion, and be strong. Under no circumstances should you be seen as weak. Sharing emotions has been reinforced by society as something men do not do, and it's damaging. As a man you are allowed to be happy or angry by society but nothing else. It’s not human to be this way, and it’s unhealthy. All the shoving and stuffing of emotions will cause a negative impact on your mental health and on your relationships. I know you come by it honestly because all the messages you’ve ever been given tell you that you shouldn’t show emotion or be vulnerable. Men have all the emotions that a woman has, and being able to share them and acknowledge them can help improve your safe relationships. It doesn’t mean that you have to share your emotions with everyone.
Positive Invalidation
Positive invalidation is an approach that may seem to have good intentions but is actually invalidating. Men have shared their discouragement about something and have been met with a response of, “You can do it though!” or “I know you’ll work hard and be successful.” Those statements don’t appear harmful, and there’s a time and place to be able to share those sentiments. It might impact you as a man where you don’t want to be open about your feelings because it will just be met with an encouraging phrase and not validate the struggle and emotion you feel. The truth is when we are struggling a lot of times we just need someone to have compassion on us and really hear what we are feeling. We are all prone to give positive invalidation but it’s not always a helpful approach. It can leave you feeling misunderstood. It can feel pointless to share things or be vulnerable.
Past Negative Experiences
Men struggle to be vulnerable because they’ve had a bad experiences in the past when they’ve tried. For many people, this is even in childhood when they are told to “man up” or “dry up” when they showed any emotion. Of course, the people that passed on this message likely didn’t know how incredibly damaging this would be to you. You might read that and have a hard time seeing how past experiences could still be impacting you. It doesn’t seem to matter when past experiences have occurred necessarily to impact your beliefs about yourself and others. You may have experiences in relationships where you were open about how you felt and it made others uncomfortable, or they had a negative reaction. This may have reinforced that it’s not ok for you to share your feelings. The truth is there are many people who are not used to men being vulnerable, and it might make them uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean everyone has earned the privilege for you to be vulnerable.
Therapy for men can help
If you’ve read this and realize that there are things in your past that you need to work through or you want to improve your relationships but don’t know where to start, therapy can help. I know men can be hesitant to go to therapy. I know you and the guys aren’t talking about your last therapy session but therapy can truly change your life. You can learn to have better, more connected relationships and overcome feelings of depression and anxiety. I love working with men who want to do whatever it takes to get better because they use that work ethic to make incredible changes in their lives. When you work with a good therapist, it can lead to positive things in your life that you didn’t think possible.
Start working with a men’s therapist in Utah
Your mental health matters. You don’t have to keep struggling with your relationships, anxiety, or depression. You deserve to find relief. This Utah Counseling Center has a men’s therapist specializing in therapy for men in Utah. To begin counseling follow the steps below:
Meet with a therapist for men
Begin feeling better
Online Therapy in Utah
I know that there can be a belief that online therapy isn’t as effective as in-person therapy but it’s absolutely not true. I offer online therapy in Utah because I want therapy to be more convenient and accessible. It can be hard to make time for another appointment during the week when your life is so busy. Online counseling means you can meet on your lunch break or from home.
Online therapy means I work with people in Logan, Salt Lake City, St. George, Cedar City, Provo, Heber City, and more.
Other mental health services offered by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Therapy for men isn’t the only counseling service offered at this Utah Counseling Practice. Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy include EMDR therapy, PTSD treatment, depression therapy, counseling for anxiety, marriage counseling, LDS marriage counseling, and premarital counseling in Utah. Reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see how I can help.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah. Marcus received his bachelor's of science from Utah Valley University in Orem, Utah. He also holds a master's in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves helping men who want to improve themselves and grow. He is passionate about making sure men’s mental health is prioritized. Marcus helps men see their struggles through a relationship lens due to his training in marriage and family therapy. He helps men work through past trauma using EMDR therapy and has seen what a powerful difference it can make in finding relief from anxiety and depression. When Marcus is not doing therapy he enjoys spending time with his wife and two dogs. He is enjoying experiencing more of Southern Utah after growing up in Utah County his whole life.