6 Tools To Have A Better Marriage: Tips From a Couples Therapist
Your wedding day is a day you probably will remember for the rest of your life. You might remember the spark, connection, and love you felt for your spouse that day. As time goes on that love and connection can grow and create an even deeper relationship. There are also things that can start to get in the way of having that. We can get rusty on doing the things that helped create the relationship in the first place or maybe we never learned how in a marriage. I assume that you are doing your best in your relationship with what you know how, and I imagine you would want to know better so you can do better. There are many tools that make a marriage good but I’m going to offer you six of them for now.
1. Learn to listen well
I might say something that’s going to hurt your feelings but try not to take this too personally but I hope you’ll be open to this. You’re probably not a good listener. Most of us think we are better listeners than we actually are. Don’t skim over this one because there’s a reason why it’s first. Most people rate themselves as better listeners than their partner rates them. Being a good listener is not just hearing what your partner says. This involves being present and free from distraction. You might be hearing what they are saying but if you are scrolling through Tiktok while “listening”, I guarantee that your partner doesn’t feel heard. If you are feeding the kids, looking at your phone, or basically doing anything other than making eye contact with your partner, they likely don’t think you are listening. Learn to reflect them what you heard them say in a kind way. Being a good listener isn’t about your sharing your opinion but showing you heard what they say. Being a good listener involves listening and not thinking about how you want to respond to them.
2. Continue to date your partner
The same way you got to know your partner or spouse, is the same way to maintain and strengthen your relationship and that’s through dating. There is no magic number of how often you should be going on dates with your partner because I don’t know your life or your schedule to know what is realistic for you. This would be an important conversation to have with your partner about what works for you and your relationship. Dating means time alone with your partner spending quality time. This doesn’t have to be expensive, and it doesn’t have to be lengthy. It does mean finding time away from children to focus on each other. I know it’s hard to find a babysitter and can be challenging to find the time but it’s important to be able to dedicate time and space to your partner and the relationship. I even have a list of date night ideas to help you out: “7 Date Night Ideas in Utah County to Reconnect”. Research shows that marital satisfaction decreases after having children so spending time on the relationship is going to be even more important now. Dating gives you opportunities to develop shared hobbies and interests and experience new things together. These experiences help bond the relationship.
3. Be open to feedback from your partner
I realize that nobody enjoys feeling like they are being criticized or to hear they’ve done something that has hurt their partner’s feelings. You never have to like feedback but being open to what your partner shares without being defensive or blaming, is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy marriage. Telling your partner they are too sensitive to give you any feedback will hurt your relationship versus being willing to accept and hear what they have to say. Your partner is an expert on themselves just as you are an expert on yourself. If they indicate that they need something from you, please believe them. When partners are not willing to listen, not open to change, and can’t show they can hear and implement what you have to say, resentment and hurt will grow. It truly is the small things that add up to a happy and healthy relationship.
4. Compliment your partner
Sharing with your spouse or partner what you love about them and what their strengths are can help them feel more seen by you. When you make an active effort to compliment your significant other, it also helps you learn to appreciate them and to actively look for their strengths. You might also find that this is naturally reciprocated. What every person wants in a relationship is to truly be seen for what they are and to be accepted. In marriage, you can grow so accustomed to how things are and forget to point out how much they mean to you. Being able to compliment each other creates a loving and affectionate environment. I would also challenge you to think outside of what is an easy target being looks and physical appearance. We all want to be seen beyond what we look like. Notice how your partner interacts with others, with your children, the little things that they may be doing that may be going unseen, and point it out. You’ll be surprised at how this can change and shape your relationship in a positive way.
5. Learn to communicate
Another area that we can think we are better at than we actually are is communication. Often times couples are “undercommunicating” in the relationship and making assumptions and requests in ways that are unclear. Learning to actively listen and validate without trying to fix the problem can end up being more meaningful. Communicating about your needs and feelings isn’t natural for most of us given the way most people are raised. We often aren’t taught to connect and share our emotions. It’s important to be able to learn to express feelings in a safe way that promotes understanding. Healthy communication can take even a good relationship to the next level. Try “overcommunicating” more than you think you need to and see how it changes your relationship. When you are in a grumpy or down mood try and communicate with your partner what’s happening for you and why so they aren’t left guessing. Try this even when you don’t really want to. I promise it does matter and make a difference.
6. Know their love language
“The Love Language Quiz” has grown to be popular so you likely have learned about love languages but if you haven’t I encourage you to take the quiz. Understanding how you and your partner feel and internalize love is important. You might be prone to show love in the way you internalize love, but that might be different from they feel and internalize love. I will emphasize that even if you know their primary love language, all love languages are important to implement into a relationship. Making the effort to communicate in loving ways to your partner creates a meaningful connection. Those love language acts are investments into an emotional bank account. We draw on these at times during our relationship when we need them. Take the quiz with your spouse and speak to them specifically about instances where they felt love from you and how they want to receive more love from you.
Perhaps you can look at this and decide if there are two of these six tools that you could start consistently implementing in your relationship. You might be better at some than you are at others. It also can be overwhelming to try and start trying all six at once. Maybe talk to your spouse about what they want to see more from you so you know where to start. Remember you’ve worked to create a relationship with your spouse so there are many things you’re doing right and doing well. Every relationship has its strengths and areas where it could do better.
Bonus Tip* Go to marriage counseling sooner than you think you should
It can be overwhelming to try and implement all of these things on your own. You might put off marriage counseling because you think it’s not that bad yet. The truth is that’s the best time to start. Many of the couples I work with don’t even know where to start when it comes to communicating and being there for their spouse in ways that they need. Marriage counseling can help. Going to marriage counseling can help to couples trying to get the type of marriage that they want while also being realistic. When both partners are ready and willing to jump in and do whatever it takes, it’s hard not to succeed. I know it can be scary to be vulnerable with a stranger, and it might feel like I’m going to criticize your relationship. I promise I am sensitive and know that you are doing many things well as a couple. Marriage counseling can help you take it a step further and work through some of the things that may be in your past that are holding you back. Marriage therapists are here to help you gain the skills you need in order to have this kind of marriage.
Ready to take your marriage to the next step and begin marriage counseling in Utah?
You don’t have to guess how to make your marriage better. Marriage counseling can help. This Utah County Counseling Clinic has a marriage therapist specializing in marriage counseling. To begin therapy, follow the steps below:
Set up a free 15-minute phone consultation
Complete online forms and schedule the first session with a couples therapist in Utah
Begin marriage counseling
Online Therapy in Utah
I offer online therapy in Utah as a convenient and safe way for you to receive marriage counseling without the commute.
Online therapy also means if you’re located in St. George, Logan, Cedar City or Heber City, I can help you better your relationship.
Other mental health therapy services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only service I provide at this Provo Utah Area Counseling Center. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides are premarital counseling, therapy for men, LDS marriage counseling, anxiety therapy, PTSD treatment, and trauma therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah County. Marcus has a bachelor’s degree in behavioral sciences from Utah Valley University in Orem, Utah. He also holds a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves helping couples reconnect and learn the communication skills to build the type of marriage they want. Marcus is from Salem, Utah, and understands the uniqueness of culture that influences marriages. In his free time, you can find Marcus riding his e-bike around the Spanish Fork Sports Park.