4 Skills You’ll Learn in Marriage Counseling
I became a couples therapist because I wanted to help people connect and see their blind spots. As the youngest of 5 kids, I saw my siblings get married and have relationships. I saw a lot of things that I admired, and some things that I could see were probably problematic. I wasn’t able to put words into what I was observing and seeing until I went to Utah Valley University and started taking courses about relationships. It ignited my passion to help couples work on their relationships so they could be happier and more fulfilled. However, it became pretty challenging to help couples see that going to therapy isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you have a horrible relationship or that you are doomed.
Marriage counseling is an opportunity to learn new things about yourself and each other. It allows you to gain skills that you didn’t have before and probably were never taught growing up. I love when I see couples who care about their spouse but the painful experiences, stress, and loss they’ve been through as a couple has made it more difficult for them to feel connected. Therapy is for everyone. It can benefit every single relationship no matter how good it is. There are no perfect and flawless marriages, and it can make a huge difference to experience marriage counseling for yourself. You might be hesitant to start marriage counseling, and I get it. It’s hard to want to sign up for something that you don’t know what to expect. Sadly, the media doesn’t portray therapy effectively, and it makes us therapists seem much weirder than we actually are. This article will help you understand more about what to expect in marriage counseling and answer some of the common questions couples ask.
What happens in marriage counseling?
I can totally understand being hesitant to go to marriage counseling if you don’t know what to expect. Marriage counseling consists of you and your spouse meeting once a week with a marriage therapist. The first session of marriage counseling is where I as a couples therapist as you what your goals are, what your concerns are, and your commitment to the process. It’s an opportunity for me to learn more about you and what you hope to get out of the process. The focus of marriage counseling is on your marriage and relationship and how to make it better. It’s not about siding with one spouse over the other. It’s not about blaming or siding with anyone. Marriage counseling focuses on having difficult conversations about what has impacted your marriage and with the help of a professional allows you to move forward through these. Marriage counseling helps you develop communication skills and learn ways to be vulnerable with each other.
What’s marriage counseling like?
Marriage counseling might be the best thing you’ll ever do for your marriage. It can be scary but it’s also liberating at the same time. Marriage counseling is often about all three of us having a conversation together. As the therapist, I ask specific questions that help you think about things you may have not considered before. Marriage counseling with me is a mix of seriousness and laughter. I utilize emotionally-focused therapy (EFT), which involves helping you understand the patterns that you get into as a couple and how to focus on healthy attachment with each other. I often ask the couples I work with to focus on something outside of the session during the week. Utilizing the opportunities outside of therapy can make the biggest difference in marriage counseling success.
Does marriage counseling really work?
Research on emotionally focused therapy (EFT) shows that 75 percent of couples move from distress in their relationship to recovery. While 90 percent of couples overall show significant improvement in their marriage overall. The success rate of the therapy model is quite high. Furthermore, in order for a therapist to be able to successfully use this effective therapy style, it’s dependent on the couple. Marriage counseling can be successful if the couple is willing to take risks, show up consistently, have difficult conversations, look at themselves and what they contribute to the relationship, and be able to learn and apply new skills. I know sometimes it seems like the marriage therapist is the one that’s supposed to solve all of your problems but that’s not accurate. It’s actually you and your spouse that will learn to solve them together with what you learn in therapy. That doesn’t mean I’m not here to help you figure it out and offer suggestions and insight but the couple is the one that will be doing the work to get their marriage where they want it. Yes, marriage counseling absolutely works extremely well when the couple is willing to do the work to make it successful.
Communication skills you will learn in marriage counseling
There are numerous skills you might learn in marriage counseling, and there’s no way I could name them all nor do I know your specific situation. Here are some of the common relationship skills you will focus on in marriage therapy:
Validation
Validation is a communication skill that is a work of art to use. Most people think they are better at it than they are. I can speak for myself as a therapist that I thought I was better at it than I was. Validation is when one right has the power to break barriers and walls. This skill can be magic and has the ability to help you as a couple be vulnerable with each other in tense circumstances. Validation can even be used when you’re being given the silent treatment (although the silent treatment isn’t a healthy way of interacting) and can help your partner open up. Marriage counseling can teach you the steps on how to validate your partner, and this in turn can’t help you learn to validate other people in your life. This communication skill really does know how to bridge connections when your partner is hurt. Validation requires the use of empathy and trying to understand how the other partner must feel. One misconception that people have about validation is that it must mean you are agreeing with the other person. That’s not actually what validation is. Validation is just trying to understand and share how you think the partner must be feeling.
Active listening
In this age of technology and distraction, we have many things that compete for our attention. Our phones are full of endless entertainment and information. Tiktok, youtube, Instagram, wordle, and so on can be loaded up for you in an instant. Technology is amazing but it also happens to be something that gets in the way of being able to be present and responsive to the person you love the most. Your spouse may be talking to you and you may be hearing what they say but you're looking at your phone screen instead and they don’t feel listened to or heard. Active listening is when you make the effort to show by your body language that you are aware, hear and understand what the other person is saying. This skill involves being able to repeat back in your own words what you heard them say. This isn’t parroting what they say but showing that you get the message that they are trying to get across. Active listening means being able to set aside your response or your thoughts in order to give the person space to share. Marriage counseling can help you learn and practice how to do this with the help of the therapist. The time outside of counseling sessions can offer you even more opportunities to solidify this skill that you are learning.
Co-regulation
Co-regulation may not be a word or skill that you have heard of before. It’s a beautiful concept and practice that can occur in a marriage and relationship. Co-regulation can create emotional safety in the marriage when done effectively. You probably already unknowingly have currently co-regulate with your partner or have done so in the past. Most co-regulation practice usually happens when we don’t realize it’s happening. Co-regulation is how you and your partner help each other manage your nervous systems. This might be placing your hand on the lap of your partner when you are driving in the car. This can calm and soothe the anxiety that inevitably occurs on these wild Utah roads. When you are in a disagreement or heated discussion, slowing down your breathing naturally will help your partner slow down their breathing. This gives way to having a more productive and less emotionally heated discussion. Marriage therapy can help you learn to do that through practicing and implementing ways in the session. As a therapist, I go regulate all the time with my clients, and it goes largely unnoticed. Learning to consciously practice these skills can create more safety in your marriage.
Find solutions to problems
A skill that many couples want in their marriages is to learn to problem solve the struggles they are working with. Part of coming to therapy is helping you develop these skills so you don’t need me anymore. Marriage counseling helps you focus on the things you are doing well in your marriage and how you have successfully dealt with problems in the past. It also focuses on helping you realize there are many things you are doing right and well in your marriage. Working with a couples therapist can help you explore these areas and develop the skills that you and your partner need to use together. Marriages experience multiple problems throughout the course of the relationship, and that’s definitely not a bad thing. It’s a normal and healthy thing but the biggest difference comes in how you learn to find solutions to these problems. Marriage counseling can help you learn to do this.
Begin marriage counseling in Utah
You don’t have to keep ending up in the same frustrating cycle with your spouse. You don’t have to keep feeling lonely and hurt because you feel misunderstood by them. Marriage counseling can help you feel more connected and help you create a healthier relationship. This Utah County Counseling Practice has a marriage therapist that specializes in marriage counseling in Utah. To begin therapy follow the steps below:
Meet with a couples therapist in Utah
Start growing closer as a couple
Online marriage counseling in Utah
It’s not easy to make time to travel to a marriage counseling appointment during the day. It can be another reason to put off marriage counseling when it could elevate your relationship to something so much better and more fulfilling. This is why I offer online therapy in Utah. I want to make life a little more convenient for you. Online counseling is just as effective as in-person therapy but is more convenient.
Online therapy in Utah allows me to work with clients all over the state. I work with clients in Salt Lake City, Logan, Heber, Cedar City, St. George, and more.
Other mental health services at Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only counseling service provided at this Utah Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy include premarital counseling, LDS marriage counseling, PTSD treatment, anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, depression therapy, and therapy for men in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is an associate marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy in Utah. Marcus has a bachelor's degree in behavioral science from Utah Valley University. He also holds a master's in marriage and family therapy. Marcus loves providing marriage counseling to couples in Utah and has a unique understanding of how Utah culture impacts a marriage. He believes that couples can have better relationships through learning ways to reconnect and heal from past pain in their marriages. Marcus works with couples who are just thinking about marriage and couples who have been married for several years. He believes it’s never too late or too early to start if you want to work hard with your partner. When Marcus isn’t doing therapy, he enjoys finding the best Chinese food there is in Utah County