How To Be a Better Listener to Your Spouse: 5 Tips From a Couples Therapist
Learning how to validate your partner and being a good listener are essential skills in having the type of marriage you want to have. We often think we are better listeners than we are to our partners because we have heard what they said but we don’t always show we understand their perspective. Hearing and listening are two very different things. Your spouse or partner wants to know you are present with them, you’re attending to their needs, you care what they have to say, and you are willing to understand their perspective. Part of the reason therapy is effective for people is because they have someone that’s doing this. The reality is that your spouse needs it more from you than anyone else.
Listening provides many benefits in marriage. It allows for emotional connection, and it strengthens the relationship. It also builds helps your spouse build trust in you. It’s probably kinda crazy to imagine one skill could have such a profound impact on a relationship but it’s true. I see time and time again in marriage counseling sessions that a big part of what’s not going well in the relationship is that each spouse doesn’t feel heard and understood. I’m certainly not suggesting listening is the only thing a marriage needs to be a good one but it does help build other qualities that are important in a marriage.
Here are some quick tips to help you be a better listener to your spouse :
1. Make eye contact
This may sound simple but it’s not in the year 2022. We have many distractions and looking at our phones is a big one. Let your partner know you're listening by giving direct eye contact. I assure you they don’t want you looking at the TV or your phone while they are trying to talk. It’s a simple gesture to show you are present with them.
2. Don’t interrupt
Being a good listener means that you are taking time to listen without talking. Even if what you are hearing is frustrating or hurtful, now is not the time to interrupt to try and get your point across. Your partner will feel more respected if you can focus on what they are saying to you at the moment without trying to interject.
3. Withhold your opinions or solutions
I can’t speak for every topic that you will be an active listener in your marriage but what I do know is that giving opinions, solutions, or trying to fix the problem is not what most people need. Men included. You can ask your partner when they are done listening if they are looking for a solution but if they are not keep all of that to yourself.
4. Reflect to your spouse what you heard them say
The best way to show your partner that you understand them is to reflect back to them by saying, “I hear you saying this…” or “I understand what you are saying is____.” If you got it wrong, this allows your partner to correct you and let you know what they really meant. It’s not about being correct or right every time but it’s making the effort to show your spouse that you want to get it and understand their perspective.
5. Ask follow-up questions
Ask your spouse follow-up questions after they’ve shared what they need to show you are invested and what to further understand. You can ask them how they are feeling or questions to clarify more what they said. Rather than a question you can add an emphatic and sincere statement like “that sounds really hard.”
How marriage counseling can help you be a better listener
It’s not always easy to be a good listener to your spouse, especially when there is underlying hurt or heartache there. It’s also challenging to trust your spouse is being genuine when trust has been broken before. I realize it’s not an easy formula, and it can be hard without the help of a profession. Working with a couples therapist allows you to learn listening skills and overall communication skills, but marriage counseling can help you have hard conversations to hear the past hurts that inevitably can occur in relationships. Marriage counseling can help you develop the kind of relationship you want. As a couples therapist, I love working with couples who really want to work at having a healthy marriage. These couples are willing to work on themselves and not just blame their spouse for the struggles in the relationship. The couples I work with are committed to addressing painful parts of their marriage and doing whatever it takes to improve it.
Take the next step and begin working with a couples therapist in Provo, Utah area today
You can feel heard and connected to your spouse again. marriage counseling can help. This Utah County Counseling Center has a marriage therapist specializing in marriage counseling. To begin marriage counseling, follow these steps:
If you are ready to reach out for therapy, then I would love to help you.
Meet with a couples therapist
Begin marriage counseling
Online Therapy in Utah
I offer marriage counseling online through online therapy in Utah all throughout the state of Utah. It’s equally as effective as in-person therapy but is much more convenient.
Online therapy also allows me to work with you wherever you are located, including Logan, Salt Lake City, Heber City, Cedar City, and St. George, Utah.
Other Mental Health Services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only service I provide at this Provo Area Counseling Clinic. Other mental health services Marcus Hunt Therapy provides include premarital counseling, LDS marriage counseling, anxiety therapy, PTSD treatment, EMDR therapy, and therapy for men.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist at Marcus Hunt Therapy, located in Utah County. Marcus has a bachelor’s degree from Utah Valley University in behavioral sciences and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. Marcus hails from Salem, Utah, and has a solid understanding of the specialness of Utah, along with its unique culture and how faith impacts marriages. He loves working with couples committed to their marriages and wants to learn the skills necessary to take it to the next level and better their connection.