How to Validate Your Partner: Tips From a Couples Therapist
Validation is an important tool in relationships. It’s also something people feel they do better than they do. Validation allows our emotions to be seen and heard and is an important communication tool even when you disagree on something. Surprisingly, validation allows you to experience and move through emotions faster.
Validation will improve your relationship
In order for you to have a successful relationship, you need to learn to validate each other. Validation is about recognizing the thoughts and feelings of your partner. Validation does not mean you agree with your partner, but you are willing to see their point of view and consider how they feel. It can be really painful and lonely when your spouse dismisses your emotions or doesn’t properly validate them. We aren’t taught how to validate others' emotions because it reinforces that emotions are uncomfortable. Validation allows your partner to feel safe and willing to let down their guard.
Reasons to Validate Your Partner
Validation allows your partner to move through their emotions faster
Validation helps your partner to be more open and to connect
Validation shows you understand your partner’s perspective
Tips to Validate Your Partner
Identify the emotion they are feeling
Is your partner feeling angry? Sad? Anxious? Sometimes we don’t know how they are feeling, and it can be helpful to ask them how they are feeling first. We also communicate our emotions through body language and can learn to read each other, especially your partner.
Make a statement indicating you understand it
Let your partner know that you get why they feel the way they are feeling. “It makes sense that you feel anxious….” or “I imagine you are feeling sad because….”
Describe three reasons why they might be feeling that way
It might seem like coming up with three reasons is overdoing it but trust me, it’s not. Three is the magic number. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Really dig deep on why they are feeling that way. This allows your partner to see that you care, you are listening, and you understand why they would be feeling the way they are. It allows your partner to also open up about why they feel the way they are.
Don’t try to get your point across
This isn’t the time for you to share what you think or feel. This isn’t the time to give a lecture or dismiss how they feel. You might be uncomfortable with their feelings, but it’s something for you to practice sitting with. It gets easier with time, and it makes a difference. If you are in a disagreement, this is still not the time to get your point across.
Avoid using the word “but”
But is the worst word to use when you are talking about your partner’s feelings. But negates everything you said before. Don’t use it. Replace the word but with “and” and “because”. This allows showing you understand and are willing to get it.
Validation is a skill that can be learned
Validating isn’t easy when you haven’t been taught to do it well. You also have not understood the importance of it until now. It takes practice, effort, and awareness to be successful at it. You can do it, and it will get easier with time.
Marriage Counseling can help you with validation.
If it feels too overwhelming to try and figure out validation on your own, therapy can help. Marriage counseling is a helpful tool in helping you get to learn to do it effectively. It also allows you to have the opportunity to learn how to communicate more effectively with a therapist who is a professional in communicating and developing relationships.
I love working with eager and ready couples to work on their relationship. You deserve to feel understood in your marriage or relationship, and couples counseling can work wonders.
Are you ready to start marriage counseling and work with a couples therapist in Utah?
If you need support in your relationship, I would love to help. At my Utah County Counseling Center, I am a couples therapist near Provo, Utah, working with couples in their 20s and 30s who are in healthy and committed relationships but would like to be able to take their relationship to the next level. To begin marriage counseling, follow the steps below:
Sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation
Complete forms and schedule the first session with a marriage therapist
Begin therapy
Other Mental Health Services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy
Marriage counseling isn’t the only mental health service provided at this Provo Utah Area Counseling Clinic. Other services provided by Marcus Hunt Therapy include LDS marriage counseling, premarital counseling, anxiety therapy, PTSD treatment, therapy for men, and EMDR therapy in Utah.
About the Author
Marcus Hunt is a marriage and family therapist in Utah County and an online therapist in southern Utah. Marcus received his bachelor’s degree in behavioral science from Utah Valley University and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. He loves to help couples learn to communicate with each other and express their needs and feelings in healthy ways. Marcus works with both Non-LDS couples and LDS couples to create the type of relationship they want. Outside of the therapy room, Marcus enjoys riding his scooter around the Salem Pond in Salem.